Lethargy!!!

Dear Diary,

it has been a long long time!!! where do i begin? the laptop crash that brought me high blood pressure with it, or the change in jobs or constant lethargy I've just felt in all areas of my life recently..... maybe all!!

yeah, on this faithful day, just after i got a new job offer with this new hot telco in town- I'm compiling my hand-over file- most of which is soft copy and also creating a new folder that i would find immensely useful in my new job- my laptop gives me the blue screen.... at this point, i call my friend in the technology dept and he says- oh oh- that's a red light- you need an external hard drive- so i order one but what do i know- the next day- bloody thing won't come on and to cut a long story short- its crashed!!! I won't go into the details of my agony!!! but trust me, it was damn ugly!!

then i decide to go off to Dubai- a warm destination that I'd never been- but had everything i needed- good weather and shops to prepare for my new job cos i had no clue when next i would see a leave application form and of course dreaming of meeting a Prince in that zone who would simply see that I didn't need to work again... yeah, it didn't happen that way....once the humidity of Lagos welcomed me, I woke up from that dream... I'm still hoping though....

but who starts a new job feeling lethargic- yep, you got that right- ME!! the feeling has completely engulfed me and i just hate it- i cannot seem to shake it off and i cannot seem to get excited about anything, I'm not even capable of feeling any emotions- I wanna do things but I can't be bothered- wanna blog daily but just cannot be bothered, wanna learn how to use my new HP tablet lappy, but nothing seems to be capable of tickling me right now.... not the thought of dressing up in my new clothes and going out to meet my friends, or new people.. nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I am not depressed again, I'm not sad or unhappy- at least not consciously so. I don't know what else to call it but lethargy.. sometimes i just say I'm on auto-pilot. I'm not losing or putting on weight- my appetite seems alright, I'm managing not to offend anyone- cos i respond to text messages and calls and on the outside- it all seems like I'm great but i know I'm not really being the normal I.G!!!

Dear Diary, Bring Her back- i know you're saying.... I want her back too- but HOW?????

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Dear Diary,


Just dropped in to say Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

I'm so happy and excited today, i think the idea of love really tickles me!!
Good thing i decided not to go to work today :-)



PLS SEE PART 2 BELOW- for all you guys that have been waiting for it!!!

xxxxxxxxxxx

Some things I will never forget.... part 2

Dear Diary,

Was I in shock?? i think i just froze, he saw me and sort of shrunk into his car seat and i just kept turned back ahead and continued walking- my family friend understood immediately and held my hand and i guess he was a coward because he never drove past us- there was no other way out as he lived on a closed road so i guess they either went back to shag some more or they parked there and waited till i left- my family friend says it was fear and respect that made him do that- i thought he was just stupid in the head and other places!!!
So, i went back to school immediately that evening- i had seen enough and i didn't want him to come round to mine that evening- my older sis found out what happened cos my family friend told her and she asked if she could tell our folks- i said no cos i didn't want him banned irrevocably from the house!! As soon as i got back to school- i went to my friend's hall of residence and walked into their room- i was about to open my mouth to report her roommate but the shocked looks on their faces when i came in( she wasn't there yet), made me realise 2 things- a) they ALL knew she was shagging him b) they knew before she went and had heard that i saw her, so i left SPEECHLESS!! My friend ran after me and told me that she didn't know how to tell me that her roommate had been shadowing my man and sneaking around.. my only question was- why had she come to me with the story of her mom coming to town???? anyway, all this time- he'd been calling and i ignored his calls, emails and voicemail messages apologising, i just didn't want to hear anything- then he shows up at my school and practically gets the whole school to beg me- he had cousins etc there..i just said i needed some space. I just wanted to party and play like all my school friends. so that i did for about 3 weeks- he dared not criticise and it became so clear that many guys had been waiting to take me on dates etc and i did go on a few first dates and nothing more and finally he went and got my mom to beg me- he didn't tell her what he did and i didn't as well- i always thought we were going to get married and didn't want to spoil his reputation with my folks.. so we continued our relationship. as for the girl- she avoided me BIG TIME, for about a month and then the only day she said hello to me- i simply said- 'bitch, don't you ever say hello to me again- you don't exist to me and i don't exist to you- when you see me- please walk past cos i can't see you!! 'but that was it- there was NO CONFRONTATION-PLUS she was such a slapper anyway- she was known to just sleep around- so i got my man to go to the clinic to get tested for any diseases and did same myself and once we were clear- I pretended it was all ok. I never did FORGIVE either of them NOR did i forget. but at least it gave me some freedom to do what i liked- party like my friends and mates even though i didn't do anyhing untoward- i just lived a little..

Anyway, phase 2

my OVER POSSESSIVE boyfy soon conveniently forgot his indiscretion and carried on monitoring my every move and after a while things got back to how they used to be- I went back to being the obedient girlfy and as he was my very first boyfy- i had no intention of ever being with any one else and everyone in his family already thought we were married and were just waiting for the formalisation. However, i noticed that anytime that i went back to London for the weekend- he wouldn't want to go clubbing and all- claiming that he didn't really like clubbing- so we would go to the nearest local or just go for dinner and then the cinema or just snuggle in bed watching tv all weekend. On a certain Valentine's day- we went to dinner on a double date with his close friend and girlfriend and the friend's girlfriend let it slip that she felt he was a very good dancer based on her observation all the times they'd gone clubbing- trust me- DRAMA QUEEN- I turned the dinner upside down- i erupted and asked him why he always lied and made me feel he never went out and insisted we went to the west end that night- fool!!!!

Anyway,that was a slight digression....... one lovely sunday- my flat mate's man had been around for the weekend and asked if we wanted to come into london for a BBQ that evening- so excitedly we got dressed and hopped in the car, the plan was that we would stay at his flat in the west end-now my boyfy had also moved to a flat in the west end with his best mate and i felt it would be good for him to know i was coming to town- on the way, i called my man's phone- and remembered he'd said it wasn't working properly- so i called his best friend and flat mate- i said i was coming to london for the day and wanted to tell F****- his friend said oh- didn't he tell you- he is going out of town today for work- so i replied that i wasnt coming to see him- i just wanted to let him know!!!
so, all the way to london, i was sayin to my friend and her man that i wanted tostop by at my man's to drop a note nd won't it be odd if i caught him with a girl (INSTINCT) so, we get to london and i decided to stop by at their flat to leave a note with the address, cos the friend's phone was off. when I got there, their neighbour was just coming out, so i hopped in before the door closed and didn't need to be buzzed in. I knew that they didn't like to lock their front door cos it always seemed jammed- so i just wanted to try it- trust me- till today,i don't know why i did. the front door wasn't closed- i went in and as i walked past his friend's room- i heard HIS laughter- i paused and knocked cos they locked individual doors- he opened the door in boxers and with a hard on...

.....hugged me and led me to HIS own room- on the way there- i remembered that his bed had been broken the last time i visited and i guess he didnt want to shag on a broken bed- in his own bed- now on the floor- was his best friend whom i had spoken to- sleeping.... he woke up and they both looked confused - intheir confusion- i strolled out and back into the other room- and saw a girl under a duvet- she even looked older than me- i PEELED off the duvet and she was stark naked- i introduced myself- she knew of me and i asked for her name- she told me- i think she thoughti was going to beat her or something. then i heard a gasp and turned round and he was there and said- it's not what it looks like- i looked at her and said- oh, honey, i think it definitely is!!!!

i walked out- he followed begging, when i got back to the car- i said- oh, i was right you know- my friend and her man were in shock- he told my friend's man to beg for him and that one said- I CAN'T o.. we left and he stalked me till i went back to school the next day and came to Brighton for the whole week! I told him i forgave him but my heart couldn't and after a month of just being so irritated.. I broke up with him!!!

sorry for extra long post- but there it is- the first in 'the things I will never forget series'

Have a Lovely Weekend Everyone!!

Somethings I will never forget...

Dear Diary,

I've been quiet in the last couple of days as i have been doing some severe soul searching and also taken several trips down memory lane!! I realise that I am immensely scared of losing control and letting myself go fully in relationships, you know, everything is seemingly clinical and I can close doors on people as easily as I opened them.. I think i may have been scarred by my first boyfriend- who was the most possessive control freak that ever existed.. he is the sort of guy who would time his wife if she goes to the salon for a 'wash and set' hai treatment... it probably didnt help that he was a straight 5 yrs older than me and as such wasn't in uni at the same time that i was.
When I got into uni- at the age of 17, he was 21 and had just got a job in the city and my school was just on the outskirts of london- Brighton to be precise- so it was easy for us both to go back and forth weekend after weekend, the fact that we lived 2 streets apart didn't help!!
But Possessive Guy- just didn't let me rest on week days when I was in school- he always people watching me- when i called him daily- i'd hear things like 'who was the guy you sat with during the break in your classes- he was wearing a blue shirt or isn't your top showing too much cleavage today??it was so bizarre but i was so stupid- i simply thought this obsessive behavior was a thing to relish and be proud of- that someone loved me sooooo much that they would spy on me and wish they could move me to a school in london where it would be just the teachers and i (yes, he said this)!! boy, i think i needed my head examined!!

anyway, i was soon brought back to earth in the 3rd year of our relationship- 2 things happened about 8 months apart that opened my eyes one after the other- trust me- one eye opened but the other one didnt open until the second incident happened.
Incident 1- it so happened that on a certain weekend, some girl who was my friend's room mate whom i had become a bit chummy with comes up to me and says- IG, r u going into London this weekend? I say- No, why? she says, i just want to know if you wanted me to take anything to yours for you- and basically tells me how her Mom was in the UK for a week or so but that she only had that weekend to see her and hopefully do some small shopping etc with her Mom. Now, i did feel she was going into too much detail seeing as i wasn't dating her nor would i have noticed she was gone anyway but i took it in good faith and said- oh well, have fun and bring some plantain chips or chin chin back if your mom brings any. so she goes off....
Anyhow, somehow- my Mom calls later and says a family friend of mine was in the UK and wanted to see and so i hopped off and went home too. So my family friend and i bond and gist etc and after a few hours she asked after my boyfriend- so i'm like -'u know what, we can walk to his- and off we went. i didn't bother calling cos i wanted to SURPRISE him. So we are approaching his house and see his cousin walking up and he says- 'are you going to our house?' i say yes and he says- oh your man just went out- he and Popsie are out on an errand- so i said ok cool, we'll just walk past and stuff- we were enjoying the walk anyway and tell him I'll call him later.. so we continued walking we walked past the house and his car was parked out there but i paid it no mind.
On our way back- we walked past the house and i thought i heard the door open but i didn't look back- and then i heard car start and i looked back- driving out was MY MAN and THE BITCH who was meant to bring me back some plantain chips... yeah- my man was her mum for the weekend!!

tired of typing and even angry as i remember- i'll save the rest for my next post!
my reaction- the ripple of events after and the 2nd EYE OPENER!!!

How does something END before it BEGINS??

Dear Diary,

by the way, i have also decided to let go of brainiac! we went to the movies on Saturday and it dawned on me that we could be nothing more than friends, infact he is a bit annoying if i am honest- a bit too presumptuous, just generally insensitive and a few other things i can think of. anyway, we ended up having like silly little arguments and it felt more like we had started to date without realising, i think!

anyway, the first day i met him, i had gone back to the StudMuff's and he'd called me repeatedly on my way,we spoke till i got indoors and i was quite tisy but i remember that at some point, he could tell that i was in an elevator and stuff. so on Saturday, just before we saw American Gangster- he asked me whose block of flats I had gone back to that night and I panicked and lied about where I had gone( NF and MF knew where i had gone) and had probably casually mentioned that i was kinda seeing someone, but i only thought about all this later. He then began to act funny which led me to believe he knew i wasn't being honest. Anyway, i felt there was no need for all the drama and we agreed to disagree very silently but you could tell from out little remarks to one another and went our separate ways- as friends of course.

i thought about calling him when i got home that night- but he simply texted me to say he got home OK and goodnight. As you know on Sunday, i was out of it and he didn't even cross my mind that day (ok, maybe sub-consciously he did).
However, while making peace with myself yesterday night- i decided to be the bigger person and gave him a call- and had this very dry convo
me: hello Brainy
B: hey I.G
me: how was your day?
B: my day was good and yours?
me: not bad thanks
SILENCE!!!!
me: anyway,i just wanted to call to say hello, i feel you have been acting funny..
B; not at all
SILENCE!!!
me: anyway, i just called to say hello, OK, good night and take care
B: bye

and so i felt a bit silly for calling and because I KNOW that he is a potentially disastrous situation for me- before he takes me back to the pit of depression where I am coming from- I have decided to free myself...

Dear diary, i know you're thinking- what next?? maybe i'll just dig up some old memories to keep us occupied in this dry spell!!

Tears on my Pillow.....

Dear Diary,

Boy, was this weekend very sad for me!! i was just miserable all through and finally yesterday- i broke!!! i felt every single bit of my heart breaking as i drove to a function mid afternoon, i was bawling and crying my eyes out and i couldn't even explain why! i had to park and then took a decision to go back home- considering that i had already ruined all my eye and face makeup. It seemed like a dam had just been opened and the floodgates were let loose!! i was so so so sad and in despair. and there was nothing i could do to make it better.

finally got back home and crawled under my duvet and just couldn't stop the tears. I told the Security to take all my messages and put my phones off- I just wanted to be alone- to suffer by myself. I didn't need the hassle of explaining my feelings to anyone especially when i couldn't lay a finger on the source of the indepth sadness that felt. I just felt so alone and I didn't need anyone saying - but you live an enviable life, you have a family that love you, lots of friends, people who wanna be you etc etc-- don't get me wrong- I DON'T enjoy being despondent or like to wallow in self pity or self hate! It's just that I am aware that i have so much to be grateful for and indeed, I am - however, i am human and yesterday, I sank to the lowest that i have ever done!! to a point where picking myself up was almost impossible because i just didn't know how to.
Eventually, i turned on my PDA and sent a text to my best friend (male)- u know the Stud Muff, i just told him i didn't know what had happened but i was broken and i didnt want him to fix me- i just needed him to understand that i was broken and to just talk to me. so he called me for close to 2 hours- which i spent the first 90 minutes just in tears... i felt slightly better after a while and i asked him to save some of his money and then about an hour later, just after a new set of tears started, a message came in from one of my favorite middle aged women (a very wise one) and i texted her back saying i was in a thoroughly depressed state so she also called immediately and talked me though it and proceeded to check on me intermittently till i fell asleep after midnight.

I wish i could say- THIS or THAT is the cause of my sadness and depression at this time but i really cannot- i know its not marriage because hearing about the break down of 2 marriages i thought were perfect in the course of last week kinda put me off the thought for now.. is it work?? this whole telecoms rush does my head in- it looks rosy from the outside- cheaper calls, better hours etc until you actually get in and see how it is simply a high school or uni kinda set up, but still it pays my bills and is challenging in its own way...maybe i should go back to the only job that has ever fulfilled me- which is teaching. its just that nursery school students were not challenging for me. i know i only did it for my youth service and maybe my life was just much simpler then, i don't know if i will find it as fulfilling to day!! i know the tap isn't closed tight yet- i can feel rush pushing- tears wanting to go through..
I need help- need to get my act together- need to be happy- deliriously happy!!! I know i am rambling, but permit me- i'm having an off 'few days' of pure and sizzling, mind twisting depression!!
talk later dear diary...

a new way of life??

Dear Diary,

Ok, so we met up once over the weekend- my weekend's are always so busy and even though this one wasn't packed full of events, I still had to show face at my friends's dad's bday on saturday night.. So, I'm at this event when i get a text saying- 'where r u?? I'm heading over to XYZ bar with my closest friend and i wanted you to join us'unfortunately, I couldn't make it. so the next day, after spending most of the day at a family event, I sent him a text to see how he was doing (and secretly to find out if we could meet up). Anyway, cut a long story short, we did!

We talked and got to know each other a bit better and I'm glad to say that we have so many things in common, he even asked if i wasn't sure that we had met a few years ago when i lived in London! Anyway, i didn't thnk we had although I sure wish so- we talked about work, family, living in Nig and stuff and generally, so far so good- however, there's only one really serious issue though and i can't disclose it here for the sake of mine and his anonymosity. It's an issue that is as a result of a childhood trauma he suffered and it kinda widens the gap between us (on my end). he doesn't think it should and thinks i can overlook it but i really don't know that i can- its quite important. Anyhow, he's smart and funny and thoughtful cos afterwards he did drive behind me from Ikoyi (where he lives and we'd met up, to VI(where I live) and we spoke a few times after I got home and proceeded to chat on IM and then he called to tuck me in.

I have a funny feeling about this- sometimes a warm fuzzy feeling like it's all gonna be great and other times, a feeling of despair like how did i end up here again??- its almost always like complicated stuff are my thing.. I know you can't have it all but I really think I should be able to have a decent relationship without having to skip through tough hurdles, you know!

Communication wise, its way lower than i am used to- but i do admit- maybe I got spoilt by my last 2 exes cos they got over 100% for communication- like calling first thing in the morning, and every other hour etc-- Brainiac manages to chat on IM- but is almost always in the middle of serious work and work is very important to him- so its not even regular and did he actually CALL me yday... hmmm!! I don't think so- we exchanged texts till midnight though.. this is certainly going to take a LOT of getting used to!!

So, that's the way its been so far- did i mention?? there was a bit of tension in the air like the chemistry was totally there!Except i imagined it but i think it was there.. We didn't try to hug or kiss or anything though- we're just friends remember!! See you soon, Dear Diary!!