the last day of 2007

Dear Diary,

It 's the last day of the year and i am thankful to God that i have been able to come this far! its only been by His Grace and mercy and i am very grateful and excited!

I haven't been here in about 11 days- there has been so much going on and i dont even know where to start- first StudMuff, arrived early from his break- he claims he was missing me too much and decided to cut it short- nice, if its true!! but you know- i have no idea what 2008 holds for us!! ok- i'll spill- the reason we can't really date or get married i cos we are 'apparently' extended cousins- and our parents do not wanna discuss it- they know we've been messing about and stuff but i think they assumed we would break free especially as we have tried dating other people- but somehow we always end up in square one!!
my favorite cousin though has said she thinks we should stop wasting everyone's time and just sort it out- but i am even scared to ask my Pastor in case he asks IF we've been ....... or how else would we say we know we're compatible in every way??

anyway, did i NOT get a call from his ex on boxing day-she said that the reason he didnt get married to her was becos of me and that she was given the impression that we are cousins but has recently leant that we have a long on/off relationship- talk about the cat being let out the bag!! I know he didn't marry her because he wasn't in love with her- so, where does she get off claiming its my fault??? people need to take responsibility for their actions- I encouraged him during their relationship and we never messed about then BUT I know she is going to go to lengths to ensure that everyone knows and its a bit irritating cos we've kept it pretty locked down and I didnt plan to go into 2008 with a scandal hanging round my neck o- so i've been having sleepless nights..

he thinks she hacked into his email and read our emails etc... well!!! Just when i thought i was finally getting it altogether and planned to become Strictly Platonic in the new year!!

Happy New Year Dear Diary!!

how true is it that we can't help who we fall in love with??

Dear Diary,

I'm not in love o- at least not with the subject that has brought up this topic- i'll tell you why i am pondering on this question tonight.. bunch of friends and i go out on the night about 2 weeks ago- I had left my darlyn Studmuffin to go off with his friends while i also did the girl thing ( one other good thing about having SOMEONE like him- no one keeps tabs)..you know- if i had a boyfy, i would mind who i talked to, be careful when a guy i am casually chatting with brings out his phone to 'maybe' respond to a text message in case word gets back to my man that i gave a guy my number. With Studmuffin and I- we tell each other everything and what we don't tell- clearly doesn't matter enough- simple and straightforward!!

anyway, i digress- back to the outing 2 weeks ago- so there's about 4 of us- all connected by this one mutual friend and somehow we have become a clique( i hate girl cliques and wait you'll soon find out the sort of things that occur that make me hate these cliques).. a couple of guys i had never seen before ( RARE stuff) came into the bar we were hanging out at, some new place on the Island. they came straight to our table to say hello to us- clearly Miss Mutual Friend of all (MF) and one of her friends- my new friend (NF)knew 2 of the guys- so after a while, the music starts to play we all loosen up and everyone starts to dance etc.. one of the guys came up to me and i had kinda sized him up- u know the usual 'scan for a wedding band, look @ his shoes, and full regalia and had thought, OK- not bad- and I guess he must have done the same thing!!
Sooooo, we dance, chat,and exchange phone numbers and dance more!! then we girls decide we're off home!! on the way home and till i got home- he called a couple of times- just to make sure we got home ok. so, we all ended up in my place.. in the morning, as we girls do- i thought i better find as much as i can from MF... so i casually mentioned that New Bobo (NB) had called me to check we got home ok last night- she in turn says- why is he calling you? and i am thinking, pardon??? so i say pardon, how do you mean?? so she says- he's NF ( remember from last night?) my new friend and fellow clique partner's ex boyfy and she goes on to say- she dated him before her present guy ( she is happily in a relationship now).. so i said, oh, i had no idea and she says- well, now you do!!!!in a 'and that means stay the F*%k away from him before you get into NF's trouble sorta tone!!

my question is- if i really liked the guy- which i don't- I think I have even been quite rude- in the sense that, after that conversation with MF- he tried calling me several times and I didn't pick up and now he's stopped.. but what if he is the ONE?? do i really forgo a chance of happiness becos he dated her???? don't get me wrong,i have no feelings for him after 2 mins of dancing but i just found the 'warning off' quite intense!! would it really be a sin to even consider dating him?? they are over and she's moved on! I know I wouldn't mind if i were in her shoes- as long as it's not my ever faithful StudMuffin.. ;-)

so here's the question again- is it true we can't help who we fall in love with or do we just need to steer our loving feelings towards people who have never dated our friends no matter how distant these friends are??? or towards people that 'society think is acceptable?? like i know its a touchy issue and very controversial too but i don't judge ALL women who are in relationships with married men- i have a close friend who is in LOVE with hers and i can't judge her for being with someone who brings so much joy (and its not financial) to her life..she'd previously been with guys who just felt the need to physically abuse her- and she is as gorgeous as the word sounds but had NO self esteem (it had been battered out of her) until she met this guy..hmmm, i digress again. that's another story for another day and not even mine to tell( at least not without asking)..

I'll type again tmw dear diary.. for now my fingers need to dial a very special 11 digit number ;-)

Something every single girl should have....

Dear Diary, its a bank holiday today!! phew!! i only rolled out of bed this minute- and its 1pm!!! i have no intention to leave this house today- its just me and my dvds and my flat!!

anyway, moving on swiftly to the topic i promised to discuss today- i think every single girl should have a friend that she can call when she's down, who she can moan to when she's upset- who can take her to dinner when she needs to be wined and dined and most importantly, who can tend to her needs on days when she just needs more than her rampant rabbit!!!

please note- this is NOT a booty call type arrangement- it's a relationship without the labels and sometimes a single girl just needs to be happy and not have any strings attached!!

needless to say, i've got one of those- its also important to know that we've had this arrangement for almost eight years now- when i'm in a relationship - he takes a back seat and reverts to regular friendship- he is a chronic bachelor and i guess that's the reason we've made it so far!! he's back in my life right now and its even better than i cud ever remember.. simply put- he's the best thig that's happened to me ;-)

hmmmm, ok, my phone's ringing... dear diary, seems like we're gonna have all day company- so it's gonna be just me, HIM, dvds and my flat!!!

see you l8r Dear Diary...

dear diary, its happening again

my heart, my poor heart isn't so sure anymore about this thing called love!! in the last four years- i have loved and been loved- i have made sacrifices and compromises all in the name of love- i've been promised so many things and have lapped it all up- and its just come crashing in my face.. i have decided now that love is a figment of our imagination and its just better to actually have a plan all mapped out..
from what i have heard and seen- STRATEGY has always worked more than relying on good ol' heartfelt love!! the best laid plans!!!

at the top of my 2008 resolutions list is the * start with the end in mind plan*..
I don't wanna be led by my heart- i've strayed too far from where i'd really like to be!! I know all things happen for a reason- that's why i have a 'no regrets' policy- however, i see that if i had told a few more lies and withheld some info or pretended to like people that i really didn't like (some friends of boyfys etc), pretended to like cooking for guys as opposed to just sitting back to be spoilt, cried and poured my heart out less times... bought what i felt like buying, ate what i felt like eating, wore what i felt like wearing- went where i felt like going, if i was even just a bit CYNICAL about some of the things i was told... maybe just maybe i would be happily and strategically married by now... i guess as they say- there's a lesson to be learned in every siuation. how else do you explain being taken slowly as high as mount everest and being thrown down just when you think you've reached the peak in the blink of an eye!!

pouring my heart out is good- my sister and friends just gloss it over and try to make me feel good about myself but my heart's bleeding and I have to smile and pretend everyday... don't get me wrong, marriage ISN'T the be all and end all for me- it's just the entire dating process that i've lost hope in...

....straight from the heart

preview of next post- title- Something every single girl should have..... gotta go now-I don't want my UAE bosses to go gangster on me... the bills need to get paid!! i love you dear diary... I.G for life xx