How does something END before it BEGINS??

Dear Diary,

by the way, i have also decided to let go of brainiac! we went to the movies on Saturday and it dawned on me that we could be nothing more than friends, infact he is a bit annoying if i am honest- a bit too presumptuous, just generally insensitive and a few other things i can think of. anyway, we ended up having like silly little arguments and it felt more like we had started to date without realising, i think!

anyway, the first day i met him, i had gone back to the StudMuff's and he'd called me repeatedly on my way,we spoke till i got indoors and i was quite tisy but i remember that at some point, he could tell that i was in an elevator and stuff. so on Saturday, just before we saw American Gangster- he asked me whose block of flats I had gone back to that night and I panicked and lied about where I had gone( NF and MF knew where i had gone) and had probably casually mentioned that i was kinda seeing someone, but i only thought about all this later. He then began to act funny which led me to believe he knew i wasn't being honest. Anyway, i felt there was no need for all the drama and we agreed to disagree very silently but you could tell from out little remarks to one another and went our separate ways- as friends of course.

i thought about calling him when i got home that night- but he simply texted me to say he got home OK and goodnight. As you know on Sunday, i was out of it and he didn't even cross my mind that day (ok, maybe sub-consciously he did).
However, while making peace with myself yesterday night- i decided to be the bigger person and gave him a call- and had this very dry convo
me: hello Brainy
B: hey I.G
me: how was your day?
B: my day was good and yours?
me: not bad thanks
SILENCE!!!!
me: anyway,i just wanted to call to say hello, i feel you have been acting funny..
B; not at all
SILENCE!!!
me: anyway, i just called to say hello, OK, good night and take care
B: bye

and so i felt a bit silly for calling and because I KNOW that he is a potentially disastrous situation for me- before he takes me back to the pit of depression where I am coming from- I have decided to free myself...

Dear diary, i know you're thinking- what next?? maybe i'll just dig up some old memories to keep us occupied in this dry spell!!

Tears on my Pillow.....

Dear Diary,

Boy, was this weekend very sad for me!! i was just miserable all through and finally yesterday- i broke!!! i felt every single bit of my heart breaking as i drove to a function mid afternoon, i was bawling and crying my eyes out and i couldn't even explain why! i had to park and then took a decision to go back home- considering that i had already ruined all my eye and face makeup. It seemed like a dam had just been opened and the floodgates were let loose!! i was so so so sad and in despair. and there was nothing i could do to make it better.

finally got back home and crawled under my duvet and just couldn't stop the tears. I told the Security to take all my messages and put my phones off- I just wanted to be alone- to suffer by myself. I didn't need the hassle of explaining my feelings to anyone especially when i couldn't lay a finger on the source of the indepth sadness that felt. I just felt so alone and I didn't need anyone saying - but you live an enviable life, you have a family that love you, lots of friends, people who wanna be you etc etc-- don't get me wrong- I DON'T enjoy being despondent or like to wallow in self pity or self hate! It's just that I am aware that i have so much to be grateful for and indeed, I am - however, i am human and yesterday, I sank to the lowest that i have ever done!! to a point where picking myself up was almost impossible because i just didn't know how to.
Eventually, i turned on my PDA and sent a text to my best friend (male)- u know the Stud Muff, i just told him i didn't know what had happened but i was broken and i didnt want him to fix me- i just needed him to understand that i was broken and to just talk to me. so he called me for close to 2 hours- which i spent the first 90 minutes just in tears... i felt slightly better after a while and i asked him to save some of his money and then about an hour later, just after a new set of tears started, a message came in from one of my favorite middle aged women (a very wise one) and i texted her back saying i was in a thoroughly depressed state so she also called immediately and talked me though it and proceeded to check on me intermittently till i fell asleep after midnight.

I wish i could say- THIS or THAT is the cause of my sadness and depression at this time but i really cannot- i know its not marriage because hearing about the break down of 2 marriages i thought were perfect in the course of last week kinda put me off the thought for now.. is it work?? this whole telecoms rush does my head in- it looks rosy from the outside- cheaper calls, better hours etc until you actually get in and see how it is simply a high school or uni kinda set up, but still it pays my bills and is challenging in its own way...maybe i should go back to the only job that has ever fulfilled me- which is teaching. its just that nursery school students were not challenging for me. i know i only did it for my youth service and maybe my life was just much simpler then, i don't know if i will find it as fulfilling to day!! i know the tap isn't closed tight yet- i can feel rush pushing- tears wanting to go through..
I need help- need to get my act together- need to be happy- deliriously happy!!! I know i am rambling, but permit me- i'm having an off 'few days' of pure and sizzling, mind twisting depression!!
talk later dear diary...

a new way of life??

Dear Diary,

Ok, so we met up once over the weekend- my weekend's are always so busy and even though this one wasn't packed full of events, I still had to show face at my friends's dad's bday on saturday night.. So, I'm at this event when i get a text saying- 'where r u?? I'm heading over to XYZ bar with my closest friend and i wanted you to join us'unfortunately, I couldn't make it. so the next day, after spending most of the day at a family event, I sent him a text to see how he was doing (and secretly to find out if we could meet up). Anyway, cut a long story short, we did!

We talked and got to know each other a bit better and I'm glad to say that we have so many things in common, he even asked if i wasn't sure that we had met a few years ago when i lived in London! Anyway, i didn't thnk we had although I sure wish so- we talked about work, family, living in Nig and stuff and generally, so far so good- however, there's only one really serious issue though and i can't disclose it here for the sake of mine and his anonymosity. It's an issue that is as a result of a childhood trauma he suffered and it kinda widens the gap between us (on my end). he doesn't think it should and thinks i can overlook it but i really don't know that i can- its quite important. Anyhow, he's smart and funny and thoughtful cos afterwards he did drive behind me from Ikoyi (where he lives and we'd met up, to VI(where I live) and we spoke a few times after I got home and proceeded to chat on IM and then he called to tuck me in.

I have a funny feeling about this- sometimes a warm fuzzy feeling like it's all gonna be great and other times, a feeling of despair like how did i end up here again??- its almost always like complicated stuff are my thing.. I know you can't have it all but I really think I should be able to have a decent relationship without having to skip through tough hurdles, you know!

Communication wise, its way lower than i am used to- but i do admit- maybe I got spoilt by my last 2 exes cos they got over 100% for communication- like calling first thing in the morning, and every other hour etc-- Brainiac manages to chat on IM- but is almost always in the middle of serious work and work is very important to him- so its not even regular and did he actually CALL me yday... hmmm!! I don't think so- we exchanged texts till midnight though.. this is certainly going to take a LOT of getting used to!!

So, that's the way its been so far- did i mention?? there was a bit of tension in the air like the chemistry was totally there!Except i imagined it but i think it was there.. We didn't try to hug or kiss or anything though- we're just friends remember!! See you soon, Dear Diary!!

Let's Be Friends!!

Dear Diary,

Brainiac called me tonight after a long week of silence- he was sounding a bit off and i asked him what the problem was - he wouldn't budge so, i said- let's speak later! anyway, it turns out that based on our last conversation,he felt that i had already ruled out the possibility of anything developing between us without even trying to be his friend and taking it from there. My point was that, based on the circumstances- i didn't think it wise to become friends and all grown out on each other and then have to deal with the wrath of my friend's friend, I don't even know if she will like the idea of us being friends. they've been apart for almost 2 yrs and she has dated other people in between- but you know how we girls never let a particular guy go- i really don't know what the case is here- all i do know is- I do't want any trouble at all!!
Aftr blowing lots of grammar back and forth-We resolved issues by agreeing to work at being friends.Like, that isn't going to enhance the attraction and likeness that we already seem to have developed for one another!!

I asked a friend of mine for advice about him, she felt that as long as i am not close friends with the girl concerned- i can go for him if i want!! I just know (based on the statement our mutual friend made just the day after i met him) that its not gonna be an easy feat!
This is a new chapter- i have never had to decide whether to go for a guy or not because i know their ex- my ex's exes have always been strangers to me. I guess it is a sign that we are growing older and there are fewer guys in the hemisphere to choose from. I'm getting a bit queasy just thinking about it!!

anyway Dear Diary, big day tmw at work- must make sure the client's gonna be happy enough so that i can have a lovely weekend with my 'new friend'..

will keep you posted either way!!

Insomnia

Dear Diary,

I am ill- i am suffering from Insomnia- it certainly rates as one of the toughest illnesses to have especially when you have to be alert at work early the next day.- You certainly can't call your boss to say, I've got to sleep instead of coming to work this morning and apart from having bags under your eyes, there's no other obvious symptom!! So far,I've refused to use sleeping aids because it never did make any sense to use sleeping pills when one has to awake before 7am the next morning- but after last night's experience- i think I am gonna pop one(or as many as will knock me out) of them pills from tonight. the most surprising- is the fact that i get soo soo exhausted in the course of the day that i am so sure- i'll have a good night's sleep and then i don't.

DO i go to bed late- NO.
Do I eat late?- Nope
Do I have loads of stuff on my mind- YES (more than i can possibly handle).

I got into bed at 8.30pm yesterday- pyjamas, ready to sleep and all- how do i explain being awake at 2.30am??- WIDE AWAKE for that matter..

I am rambling now because I am concerned and worried but i think its worry that got me here in the first instance!!
I am a worryholic-i can't help it and it just so happens that my mind is more concerned about 2008 than I really would love to!

what do i do?? i need a good night's sleep- i don't like these bags under my eyes- i am beginning to look and feel like i am 50.... granted, it seems like good practice for when i have my babies and have to be up all night- however, i'm not even close to that- so why don't we cross that bridge when we get there?? ;-)


Anyway- Brainiac is back in town and called me from the airport soon as he got in- trouble seeking somebody!! let's even find out if he's worth all this trouble!!!

i'm off to do some work Dear Diary!! and guess what- now, i am yawning!!! Something's definitely wrong!! off to get some coffee!!

xxx

Talk About Speaking too Soon

Dear Diary,

Your favourite girl is in a dilemma now o.... remember this guy i told you about who happens to be NF (new friend's) ex!! well, seems he likes me and you know how it is- its not like i like him yet but i do enjoy talking to him- which in some cases can be classified as LIKE!!

here's what happened- on New Year's day, I'm minding my business when text comes to my phone- just saying Happy New Year, I.G. signed of with his name- let's call him Brainiac (B for short). I'm confused because it's come from a foreign number and i didnt think B would remember to text me from outta town- so i responded with- B who?? he responded and i decided to leave it at that. But he decided to have my time-we started Text Chatting back and forth just talking about the holidays etc. Anyway, by day 2 (yesterday), he called me Baby in one text- i'm like baby ke?? he then asked if i a.wanted to be called baby or b. didnt want him to call me baby and i ignored the text!! moved on to another topic. Later, i asked him if A. he wanted to call me baby or B. he didn't want to call me baby.He replied with A!!
Again, i ignored that and changed the topic- he won't have any of it and called instantly-anyway to cut a long story short- i explained that i thought he was Off Limits and explained why and he practically told me off, saying we hadn't even been on one date or hung out together, or decided if we are compatible and he doesn't need validation to do so.... in short, NF is gonna kill me!!

He's smart, funny, chilled out and just seems nice!! am i bad for liking him back?? i didn't know him while they were dating and i didnt meet him thru her. I dunno what to do???

Back to my 2 blogs ago blog- can we help who we fall for?? I knew this business was unfinished stuff!! it may be premature and when he does get back and we hang out, it may not go anywhere but what if it does-- i like NF to a certain degree- ie - I Like Me more..