Tears on my Pillow.....

Dear Diary,

Boy, was this weekend very sad for me!! i was just miserable all through and finally yesterday- i broke!!! i felt every single bit of my heart breaking as i drove to a function mid afternoon, i was bawling and crying my eyes out and i couldn't even explain why! i had to park and then took a decision to go back home- considering that i had already ruined all my eye and face makeup. It seemed like a dam had just been opened and the floodgates were let loose!! i was so so so sad and in despair. and there was nothing i could do to make it better.

finally got back home and crawled under my duvet and just couldn't stop the tears. I told the Security to take all my messages and put my phones off- I just wanted to be alone- to suffer by myself. I didn't need the hassle of explaining my feelings to anyone especially when i couldn't lay a finger on the source of the indepth sadness that felt. I just felt so alone and I didn't need anyone saying - but you live an enviable life, you have a family that love you, lots of friends, people who wanna be you etc etc-- don't get me wrong- I DON'T enjoy being despondent or like to wallow in self pity or self hate! It's just that I am aware that i have so much to be grateful for and indeed, I am - however, i am human and yesterday, I sank to the lowest that i have ever done!! to a point where picking myself up was almost impossible because i just didn't know how to.
Eventually, i turned on my PDA and sent a text to my best friend (male)- u know the Stud Muff, i just told him i didn't know what had happened but i was broken and i didnt want him to fix me- i just needed him to understand that i was broken and to just talk to me. so he called me for close to 2 hours- which i spent the first 90 minutes just in tears... i felt slightly better after a while and i asked him to save some of his money and then about an hour later, just after a new set of tears started, a message came in from one of my favorite middle aged women (a very wise one) and i texted her back saying i was in a thoroughly depressed state so she also called immediately and talked me though it and proceeded to check on me intermittently till i fell asleep after midnight.

I wish i could say- THIS or THAT is the cause of my sadness and depression at this time but i really cannot- i know its not marriage because hearing about the break down of 2 marriages i thought were perfect in the course of last week kinda put me off the thought for now.. is it work?? this whole telecoms rush does my head in- it looks rosy from the outside- cheaper calls, better hours etc until you actually get in and see how it is simply a high school or uni kinda set up, but still it pays my bills and is challenging in its own way...maybe i should go back to the only job that has ever fulfilled me- which is teaching. its just that nursery school students were not challenging for me. i know i only did it for my youth service and maybe my life was just much simpler then, i don't know if i will find it as fulfilling to day!! i know the tap isn't closed tight yet- i can feel rush pushing- tears wanting to go through..
I need help- need to get my act together- need to be happy- deliriously happy!!! I know i am rambling, but permit me- i'm having an off 'few days' of pure and sizzling, mind twisting depression!!
talk later dear diary...